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I have a new obsession: collecting airline frequent flyer miles. (Shhh…stop crying, Taylor Swift, I’ll still always have time for you.)

You know those people who are allowed to board the plane before everyone else and who you see sipping champagne as you’re passing through first class on your way to the middle seat in coach between two obese strangers that you’ll call home for the next six hours? It turns out that they might not be wealthy, dot-com millionaires or Real Housewives. They just know how to game the system. And there are tons of them. And now I’m one of them, too.

Last night, my fiance and I earned over 1,000 frequent flyer miles whilst dining on the finest fried macaroni and cheese balls that Romano’s Macaroni Grill has to offer. I know what you’re thinking, and you’re right: an absolutely delicious way to work towards a free honeymoon (and clogged arteries).

I earned another 1,000+ miles just for filling out a few no-commitment insurance quotes. Sure, my cell phone has been ringing off the hook all weekend from insurance sales reps eager to make commission, but, hey, I’ll be laughing all the way to Europe as I sip champagne in business class (with my cell phone turned off). I should probably also check my credit report.

Speaking of which, I’m also well on my way to earning tens of thousands of Delta miles just for opening a new credit card account! High-interest, open lines of credit never hurt anyone, right? And if I need help reading through all the fine print of the disclosure of my new credit card, I can mosey on down to my nearest Lasik Plus office, where, in addition to 20/20 vision, I can walk out the door with 5,000 Delta miles for a no-strings-attached, free exam and a whopping 25,000 miles if I undergo laser eye surgery. It practically pays for itself! And what’s the worst that could happen?

If you think all of this seems a little bit excessive, I hear you. But for those of you who, like me, watch Extreme Couponing and feel a mixture of awe at how much money the subjects on the show are saving and disgust at how much food they have stockpiled in their houses, this is fat-free, guiltless way to feel like you’re in the Extreme Couponers’ ranks. Plus, globetrotting gratis is much more sophisticated than free canned vegetables.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go trade thousands of dollars in stocks. Only $50,000 in securities trades to earn 25,000 miles!

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